Q. I hope you can help me, because I feel so sad so much of the time. I’m 74 years old, widowed, and I feel forgotten and useless. I used to be a doer. I raised children, managed the house, volunteered in PTA, and contributed to life in so many ways. Now I sit around feeling useless. My body hurts in so many places, and I don’t have much energy. I know I should be grateful for my home and for the calls from the kids, but I’m struggling. The only bright spot in my day is when my care-worker visits for an hour or two to help with my chores. She is very friendly, but I worry I’m burdening her with my complaints. Some days it feels like I just can’t cope.
A: Thank you for sharing your challenges and sorrows so honestly. You bravely voice the indignities of aging, the isolation, and the serious existential crises caused by the loss of roles as spouse, parent, homemaker and community member. I won’t sugarcoat your situation; it sounds like you are suffering from profound sadness or depression. The good news is that you can create some changes, starting today. First of all, activate your support system. Even though you are reluctant to burden anyone with your complaints, I would guess that there are people who would want to know about your difficulties and help you if they can. Reach out to friends, family or acquaintances, and let them know how you are feeling; be honest and let them know how bad it is. Seek out a counselor or therapist, and add this blessing into your life — someone trained and able to provide you with focused attention and practical support. It is their job, so you won’t have to feel guilty about talking about yourself and your difficulties!
Depression is quite common in the elder population. Before you let the idea scare you, let’s look at four fundamental things you can begin doing right now that can help.
1) Exercise. Even a mild amount of fresh air, movement, or senior swimming class can lift mood. Start right now by taking a short walk, taking in deep breaths as you go. Savor the air and notice the colors in everything you see.
2) Have some fun. Force yourself to engage in pleasant activities or hobbies, even if you don‘t feel much like it. If you can act as if it’s fun, the enjoyment often follows. Look to your local community for the next card game, shopping excursion, or other planned activity, and sign up.
3) Monitor your “self-talk” and notice if you are judging yourself harshly. Catch yourself when you criticize yourself (like “I’m so dumb,” or “I’m worthless) and then replace those put-downs with more accurate, realistic or hopeful assessments (“I might be slow, but I’m steady,” or “I don’t have much energy, but I can still do a thing or two”). I imagine you have many strengths, accomplishments and qualities. How much time in the day do you allow yourself to contemplate them? This shift in thinking can be quite hard to do alone. It’s a good project with a counselor or other skilled listener, especially if you are habitually down on yourself.
4) Set and accomplish meaningful goals. Depression usually doesn’t exist in a vacuum; it is a signal that we need changes in our life. Select a few small goals and gather the support you need to achieve them. Each one could be as simple as an outing, a chore, completing a project, organizing a drawer. As you are ready, think about the big picture, and structure your goals so that they build toward something you value. Maybe the ultimate goal would be finding a volunteer activity that fits within your energy level and allows you to once again participate and contribute. You could mentor at a library, assist at a community center, or volunteer with a cause you believe in. Break down the big goal into small steps, such as researching volunteer opportunities, setting up visits, and arranging the help you need to make it happen. When our world becomes small, our problems can look big. If you can make your world bigger once more, your personal difficulties may seem smaller by comparison and feel more manageable.
In the end, we must attempt to be kind to ourselves. Please forgive yourself for your limitations, honor your need to grieve your losses, and celebrate the blessings of life, large or small. “Doing” is wonderful, but you are worthy of kindness, love and self-respect, just by being.
