Q: I recently broke up with the man I’ve been seeing. We had great physical chemistry, but the relationship itself was a mess. Now he is dating someone else. That makes me feel crazy and desperate. What should I do?
A: Here is your road map. Use it to journey from pain to peace, from your emotional addiction to this man and this relationship, and toward the freedom of new horizons.
The first step is to accept and allow your jealousy. View it as a biological urge, but don’t take it personally. Sex generates the release of a pleasurable hormone called oxytocin. (The same chemical is generated by birth and breastfeeding; it helps us bond and feel love.) Now you are in withdrawal from that heady opiate. Avoid reckless action. Instead, let the waves of craving pass through you, like “clouds in a mirror”, as the Zen monks say.
Practice “thought stopping.” If you start to obsess, put your thoughts about him and his new partner on an imaginary television. Then turn down the volume, change the channel, or switch it off.
Embrace your narrow escape. The relationship was a mess; now that’s one problem you don’t have.
Tend your own garden: lovingly mind your own business. Do things that comfort you. You might make a special point of enjoying an activity that he didn’t like, because now you are free. Cry when you need to. Aim for healthy distractions. Pleasure yourself as needed.
Get support from friends, family, mentors, counselors and pets. Be around loving people, and recognize that they care. If you are afraid of using them up on your heartache, you can turn to a journal, and write about it until the subject loses its power.
Get out of your own head. Our troubles look big when we are only looking at ourselves. When we look at the wider world, our difficulties appear proportionally smaller. If you give your attention to others (in healthy amounts) your pain will be less overwhelming and more manageable.
One of the hardest things about a break-up is feeling alone. Generate your inner guardian angel. It may take the form of a wise grandmother. It could be based on a real grandparent, on a beloved pet, a supportive teacher, even Oprah if you like รณ whatever or whomever speaks to you. Picture her/him/it being with you, holding you, comforting you. Let yourself feel caressed and cared for.
Make new dreams. Allow possibility. Imagine what you want your next relationship to look like so that you will recognize it when it arrives. Envision what kind of person you will be in that relationship, and strive to become that.
Of course, give it time. In the future, you will be able to cherish what was good about this relationship, feel gratitude for any lessons learned, and be at peace. In the meantime, be gentle with yourself.
