Q: I am having sex again! He’s 16 years younger than me, and we are having a lot of fun together. I feel young again. We haven’t defined our relationship, and I really don’t know where this is going. I am afraid I may end up liking him a lot, but I feel so alive again! My problem is that after I’m with him, when I’m alone, I feel ashamed of myself and a little ridiculous being with someone so much younger, even for having sex at all! What am I doing? I wonder why he would want me and where this is going. Will I end up getting hurt? How can I deal with these feelings? Should I break it off or just enjoy it while it lasts?
A: Congratulations … you are “robbing the cradle,” “walking him down the garden path,” and all those other metaphors for seducing a younger partner. Seriously, though, it sounds like you are having a wonderful, life-affirming experience. Good sex can be so exciting and stir emotions, hormones and brain chemicals that are rare and thrilling. How fortunate you are having these peak experiences. Conversely, it must be a real whiplash to go from those joyful highs to the regret, shame and confusion you describe.
Society has lots of opinions and double standards about sex. I would guess a lot of your shame comes from those external messages that sex is bad outside of a committed relationship, that sex with a younger partner is wrong, that sex is unseemly after a certain age … especially if you are a woman.
Start by learning to interact with your shame, and hopefully diminish or dissolve some of it. First, cultivate the ability to observe your shame without getting swept away by it. Practice the mindfulness technique of noticing and naming your shame when it arises. When you are alone and start to feel those bad feelings, rather than crumbling inside and letting the feeling define you (“I am ridiculous, I am bad”), instead say to yourself: “Oh, I am noticing shame happening. I am noticing self-judgment and self-criticism happening.” This step helps you dis-identify from your feelings and judgments and stay centered and observant of your experience. Shame is a powerful emotion; I recognize this is easier said than done, but if you practice this type of observing, and combine it with deep breathing, you can accomplish a lot.
Next, question the judgments that go along with the feelings: “Who says I am shameful or bad? On what grounds? Are all people who do this bad, or is it only myself I hold in contempt?” When you pause and confront the judgmental thoughts and feelings, they just may falter under the light of day. If instead you find that you actually have a genuine personal objection to your behaviors, you can then explore those and determine if you need to make different choices. It’s important to do so from a place of calm self-respect, not from a place of self-condemnation and fear.
Keep the lines of communication open with your partner. Consider getting intimate with your insecurities and longings, as well as with your bodies, and let him reassure you and express his own thoughts. Finally, you might choose a motto to support you in this time such as, “I allow myself to enjoy what life brings me,” “I am able to make healthy choices,” or, simply, “I do my best, and I am good enough.” Above all, keep your own personal health and safety in mind at all times.
