Advice for the journey – Mom’s younger man

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By Evan Kimble, LMHC

Q: My father passed away a little over two years ago. My 80–year–old mother recently started dating a nice-enough man 20 years her junior. I’m having issues. Your thoughts?

A: My condolences for your loss; two years is barely any time at all when it comes to losing a parent. It’s likely your mother is also still adapting to the end of her partnership with your father. I hope she has had ample opportunity to grieve and reminisce.

I also hope you can come to accept (if not celebrate) your mother’s enjoyment. There is precious little in life that duplicates the sweet intoxicating cocktail of new romance. Also, embarrassingly, recently widowed individuals often have intense sexual feelings. It’s been argued to be an evolutionary impulse — your mate dies and your hormones/ genes tell you to reproduce and preserve the species, even when you are way past menopause.

It sounds like this fellow is nice enough, but if you are worried about gold diggers and this thing moves towards marriage, it is okay to be matter-of-fact with mom about prenups.

If your issues are more about feeling sidelined, you have my sympathies. Whenever we feel left out and want to be closer to someone, a good exercise is to practice letting go. Let go of your expectations of your mom and your judgments about her choices. Try to view her as a person you happen to know and would like to know better. Hold her in your mind’s eye and (try to) delight in who she has been and who she is now. If you can convey this warmth when you see her in person, she’ll feel it and want to include you in her happiness.

About the Author

Psychotherapist and Licensed Mental Health Counselor (LMHC) Evan brings together different elements in his practice: science and spirituality, passion and grace, East and West, and laid-back and intense.