Q: I immigrated to the United States about 15 years ago, and while I can’t afford to retire, I make enough money to live simply. I enjoy a few hobbies, and I have a nice car. I save up to take a trip once every other year. My daughter lives in the Middle East and doesn’t have much money. I’ve always had a difficult relationship with her. My former husband was both a right bastard and a real charmer. He was a gambler, a drinker, and sometimes violent and abusive to me. However, he was always a sugar daddy to our daughter. He’s passed away now. I think she still blames me for our divorce, even though he cheated on me many times. Here’s the difficulty: I miss her and my grandkids, and I want to be close with them. We speak on the phone and we Skype, but she’s always asking for stuff; she thinks I’m so rich in America. If I don’t send money and gifts to her and the kids, I’m afraid she will cut me off. There were times after the divorce when she wouldn’t talk to me, so it has happened before. I like to be generous, but I don’t have much extra. I don’t like to feel obligated, and sometimes she doesn’t even say thank you when I send parcels. Any advice?
A: Your actions may require a finely orchestrated dance. On the one hand, you have a generous heart, and you enjoy enriching your child’s and grandkids’ world. On the other, you feel coerced and a little resentful. Maybe your daughter is capable of dialogue. If you think she can handle some honesty, I would suggest you carefully share some. Start with the smaller hurts, and work up to the bigger ones.
Consider using the nonviolent communication style of “When______, I feel_____. I need/would like______.” For example, you could say, “Daughter, I need to share my thoughts about something that might be difficult for you to hear. Is now a good time for that?” If she says “yes” (and you believe her), you could continue with, “When you don’t say ‘thank you’ for the parcels I send, I feel hurt. I would like it if you said thanks more reliably.”
If she can handle this without overreacting, then you could take it a step further in the next conversation: “When we talk and you ask me for stuff, I feel worried that I have to give it or you’ll stop talking to me again. I need some reassurance that you would understand if I don’t always have the money.”
On a larger scale, it sounds like you and your daughter could use some clarification. Clarification is often needed after divorces and is also helpful for families that have experienced violence or abuse. Perhaps she has an idealized view of her father, and it could be difficult for her to see him as a whole person — warts and all. I would offer her the opportunities to ask questions first: “Why did you and dad split up?” and do your best to answer. Then share your questions: “Do you blame me for the divorce? What was hardest for you?” Sometimes people choose to write their questions down and share them in advance, giving the other person time to really think about their answers before talking.
Finally, whether she is open to dialog or not, you may have to set your own boundaries to avoid resentment and blowing your budget. You may have to tell her that you love being part of their lives, and you love giving to them, but that you just can’t afford as much as she thinks you can — the cost of living in America is high, and you have to think about supporting yourself into old age. Learning to say “no” to her is not just about setting limits. It is also about saying “yes” to yourself.
