Staying Calm in Stressful Times

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By Evan Kimble, LMHC

Q: I belong to a charity organization; we do a number of fundraisers and other events. I get along with many of the other volunteers, but there is one person I can’t stand. She’s bossy and opinionated. She micromanages some of the other gals. I like to help people feel good about their efforts, and I try to be encouraging to the new volunteers. I think she’s too critical and doesn’t practice what she preaches — she talks a lot but doesn’t even stick around to do the hard work or help with the cleanup after events. I tried to talk to her about it, but I got really upset and probably made the situation worse. Honestly, when I get stressed, I can say mean things. Sometimes I fly off the handle with my husband too. Can you teach me how to stay calmer?

A: We tend to think that our emotions “just happen,” but there are many ways to manage our feelings of anger or irritation. The psychologist Rudolph Driekurs said, “We never lose our temper; we throw it away.” You’ve already taken the first step by sincerely choosing to change your emotional habits.

Emotions can happen so quickly, sometimes it feels like they come out of nowhere. But, almost always, the feeling is not the first thing to happen. First, there is an event or a situation. Next comes our thoughts about the situation, and then comes the emotion in response to our thoughts. The thoughts we have about a person or situation can strongly influence our feelings. For example, if your thought about your situation is “I can’t stand this!” you are likely to feel aggravated. But if you stop and reflect, “I may not like this, but I can get through it,” your irritation may be a little less. It is the thought — your interpretation of the event — that influences the feeling.

If you want a calmer life, you need to become aware of your thoughts. There is a constant stream of commentary in our heads. Sometimes we notice it, and sometimes it is just underneath conscious awareness. Counselors often call this “self-talk.” When it comes to anger, there are three kinds of self-talk that are especially problematic, known as your “M.A.D.” thoughts (McKay & Maybell, 2004).

  • M is for minimizing your personal power with thoughts like, “I can’t stand this. I can’t handle it.”
  • A is for awfulizing your situation: “This is awful. This is a disaster. This is a catastrophe!”
  • D is for demanding: “This must change!” or “I won’t stand for this unless she stops!”

The solution to M.A.D. thoughts are “Cool” thoughts. Instead of minimizing your power, maximize it with thoughts like, “I can handle this” or “I can get through this.” Be realistic rather than “awful-istic.” Use thoughts like, “This is annoying, and I may not like this, but it’s just irritation; this is not a disaster.” Finally, instead of demanding, practice accepting the present moment and plan for the future with thoughts like, “Some people just don’t do what I think is best. I guess I can’t fix this right now, maybe later.”

Another thing that will help is to expand your awareness of your tension as it starts to build. Notice how anger feels in your body — do you clench your fists? Does your face get hot? Do you get a sour feeling in your stomach? Be on the lookout for clues that your body is getting angry — and intervene with yourself. Take a break, get some air, talk to someone who helps you laugh at the situation, drink some water, or start using some Cool thoughts.

Reflect on the way your colleague (or your partner) triggers you. If you can identify which habits particularly get under your skin, you may be able to use your Cool thoughts proactively and be more prepared the next time you experience these moments in real life. Also, I encourage you to explore solutions while you are calm. Talk to other organizers or whoever is in charge of volunteer coordination. Maybe with patience, diplomacy and clear communication, she can be influenced for the better.

Additional Reading

  • McKay, Gary & Maybell, Steven. (2004). Calming the Family Storm: Anger Management for Moms, Dads and All the Kids. Impact Publishers.
  • Hanh, Thich Nhat. (2003). Creating True Peace: Ending Violence in Yourself, Your Family, Your Community, and In the World. Simon and Schuster.

About The Author

Evan brought together a rich diversity of elements in his practice, his writing and his life: science and spirituality, passion and grace, East and West sensibilities. He was a respected contributor on our team, a warm and lovely friend, a loving husband and caring dad. He will be missed and remembered with love by all of us. In Memoriam, January 2016