“Happiness is not in having what you want; it is in wanting what you have.”
It’s a common saying, one you’ve no doubt heard, yet it can be hard to remember. No matter how much you have, it’s easy to resent someone wealthier than you, because you believe they are also happier. On the other hand, the wealthier person may feel anxious, burdened, unworthy even, and envy someone else’s simpler life.
Fortunately, as we age, it becomes increasingly possible to shake off the “shoulds” of the past — “I should have a big house, a fancy car, designer clothing …” — and imagine a lifestyle based on cherishing what we have, including the personal strengths we can use to benefit others.
“It is true that the older we get, the happier we get,” says Judi Clements, president of Judi Clements Training & Development in Clifton Park, NY. “Young people work their heads off to be rich, to look good, to have the high lifestyle. But when we age, we find out that these things don’t translate into happiness.”
Clements offers workshops in “Authentic Happiness” using the tenets of positive psychology to give people the skills they need to cultivate joy in their lives. She lists these steps:
Let Go of the Past
“What you have to do is look at the past with gratitude and forgiveness,” Clements says.
She explains that unhappy people ruminate. They stew about the injustices of the past — many of which are financial in nature. The promotion they were passed up for, the raise they didn’t get, the bad advice from their broker.
“Every time you revisit these, you are distributing cortisol (the stress hormone) in your body,” Clements says. “You are having a hormonal, negative reaction. This is the very definition of stress. It is very unhealthy and destructive.”
This does not mean denying the past. The key is to acknowledge that while there may have been some true injustices: “That was then and this is now, and we’re moving on.”
Savor the Present
“This is where we get into a lot of stuff that is really like Buddhist teaching, which is living in the present,” Clements says.
She adds that too few people take the time to really savor life and the time spent with loved ones or participating in favorite activities. This problem has gotten worse with the proliferation of technology, as people often engage more with their smartphones than with their dinner companions. The wealthier one becomes, the more distractions may exist.
Clements recommends “spacing,” which means always giving yourself something to look forward to. It may be a holiday, a visit with the grandchildren, a movie with friends, just about anything. When it arrives, savor every minute.
“That is an important part of living in the present, because you have hope and optimism,” she says.
Find Your Signature Strength
Positive psychologists have found that the surest way to achieve authentic happiness is to find that which you do best and then use that signature strength to do good for human kind.
“When you are doing what you do best, you lose yourself in that activity and you get into what the Buddhist’s would call ‘flow,’” Clements says.
“Flow is the notion that you are so busy doing something you love that you lose track of time. It is so important to find your signature strength because when you are in flow, you don’t care about money.”
Clements herself left a successful teaching career, and the promise of a pension, to open her consulting practice nearly 30 years ago. While her friends are now retiring to lives of leisure, she continues working — and spending part of each day in flow. She is not as wealthy as she would be if she had remained a teacher, but she is gratified by the notes she receives from people she has helped.
“So, you make a choice based on your signature strengths and then that becomes more important than the money,” she says.
That is not to say that money is not important. Clements acknowledges that people who don’t have enough to meet their basic necessities cannot have authentic happiness.
“But once they feel that they are not robbing Peter to pay Paul, then they can implement the things we’ve talked about,” she says. “The real key to happiness is balance. You have to have enough money to pay your bills, and then you can free your mind from worry and focus on ‘what are my signature strengths, and how can I share them to make a better world?’ That’s happiness.”
