“You always.” “You never.” These two phrases come smothered in such hot sauce that they create a zing in the recipient. Contrast this with “I forgive you” — three little words that quench like a refreshing drink when you are truly parched. Such is the nature of words. They can evoke such a visceral response, and one that seems to live outside the normal space-time continuum.
“Forgiveness is a funny thing. It warms the heart and cools the sting.” – William Arthur Ward
I’ve been a financial advisor for 25 years, and in the course of my career, I’ve heard a lot of “you always” and “you never.” These are often aimed at a spouse and are attached to accusations around investment decisions where things didn’t turn out as hoped and it was so obvious (in retrospect) how it was all going to turn out.
I also hear this from siblings after their parents pass away, during meetings to discuss the probate process. “Mom always gave you more,” or “she never bought me a car,” “gave me money for college,” “paid for my braces,” etc.
Quite often these unfortunate investment decisions or the amount of money paid for braces is inconsequential in the grand scheme of either party’s financial lives, yet this isn’t the point. Rather, it’s about missed expectations, hurt feelings, or that niggling fear that we carry to our grave that our parents really did love our sibling more.
If you’re still reading this, you’re probably thinking that I’m more than self-confident (possibly even self-delusional) that in the course of one article I might change lives and create a new world filled with forgiveness. But I’m going to try; and I promise no group hugs or rounds of “Kumbaya.”
Four misconceptions about forgiveness
I believe much of the resistance to forgiving another lies in the following common misconceptions around this noble act:
That forgiveness is bilateral. Often it is unilateral, and the other person may never know. (They may even be dead.) In fact, the reason it’s typically unilateral is that the other person likely has no idea you are carrying this grudge around in the first place. You are the only one harmed at this point by that other person’s actions. Lewis B. Smedes said it well: “To forgive is to set a prisoner free and discover that the prisoner was you.”
It requires you to say that what the other person did was “okay.” False! If it was okay, why do we need to forgive them? If they simply drive you nuts, that requires forbearance, not forgiveness. If someone has truly harmed you, you don’t need to somehow trick your brain and emotions into believing it was okay. Instead, work on defining the specific wrongdoing, because you can’t forgive how something made you feel; you can only forgive the specific action that created that consequence. For example, if your spouse lost money in an investment that you had recommended against in the first place, you may need to forgive their decision not to respect your opinion or their prideful attitude.
It involves forgetting. Despite the pithy saying “forgive and forget,” our brains are not computers that can be re-booted. If your sibling never paid back the loan you made to her, that’s part of your collective history. She likely hasn’t forgotten it either. In my work I always recommend that a personal loan either be treated as such, with clear documentation, collateral and payments auto-deposited monthly to the bank, or just make it a gift and call it that up front. Consider the financial and tax consequences of making past delinquent loans a gift by forgiving the outstanding balance. You may clear up more than just some accounting issues with that family member or friend!
It demands reconciliation. Forgiveness does not require renewing a relationship. If someone truly harmed you, reconciliation may in fact be toxic. So focus instead on yourself, and recognize that forgiveness releases the debt that person owes you. In this process, the power they hold over you is also released.
Money and the need to forgive often seem to go hand in hand as we travel through life. If we separate the two, relationships can be irretrievably broken. Not only is a relationship ended between you and another, but (especially within families) it can spread to the greater family, so that cousins don’t know one another or grandchildren don’t see their grandparents. You can choose to end a negative outcome and repair the family ties of the next generation through three simple words: “I forgive you.”
Don’t wait.
