As our responsibilities fall off and our wisdom grows, we shed the burden of social convention and finally get to live out loud.

I still like to read my paper copy of the newspaper. One of my “must reads” is the column called “Dear Amy.” Recently, there was a question from a 25-year-old. She and her husband wanted to quit their good-paying, demanding jobs and go traveling for a year. Feeling burnt out and trapped, she desperately wanted to break away from what she felt was expected of her (to continue working and have children) and live her life her own way. She wrote to “Dear Amy,” asking how she could get the approval of her parents — who she knew would disapprove. Even as adults, there is a tension between living our own lives independently and receiving the blessing or approval of those with whom we are close.

Ultimately, we have the responsibility of living our life in the best way we can, to follow one’s own authentic path.

I have three 20-some-year-old children, and it is a time of shifting responsibilities from the parents to the children for living their own lives. Even though they certainly do not need my permission anymore, they certainly appreciate getting it, so long as it isn’t acquired by somehow sacrificing or diminishing what they truly need to be happy. Ultimately, we have the responsibility of living our life in the best way we can, to follow one’s own authentic path.

There is a ratio of independence/responsibility to permission. With increasing age, the amount of independence/responsibility goes up while the amount of permission needed goes down.

As elders, we are finally of an age when we don’t need to ask permission, but most often find ourselves choosing to “behave” for some other inner reasons — often, with the understanding that we’ve earned the right to be a little eccentric or non-conformist.

With age, and the dropping off of responsibilities, we have a little more freedom to play with the non-conformist ideas.

With age, and the dropping off of responsibilities, we have a little more freedom to play with the non-conformist ideas. There is a scene I love in the movie Mary Poppins as it portrays the eccentric, silly humor of people as they age. In the movie, Uncle Albert sings a song that goes, “I love to laugh (ha, ha, ha, ha), long and loud and clear … I love to laugh (ha, ha, ha, ha), it’s getting worse every year.” And it is so fun to laugh. As long as we don’t need permission, we can broaden our definition of what kind of behavior is acceptable.

We have a neighborhood character. He is widely known. I have never really met him or spoken to him, but he is an integral part of my community. I call him Scarf Man. He wears a colorful, wispy, flowing rainbow-colored skirt and has an abundance of colorful scarves. He can be found at music festivals dancing and handing out scarves to children who dance with the scarves. His non-conformity adds to the charm of my neighborhood.

“When I get old, I will wear purple.”

This question of our freedom to be a little different from the norm is addressed well in philosophy professor Dr. Drew Leder’s book. (Leder, 1997) In the chapter titled “The Freedom of the Fool: An Old Woman in Purple,” we are invited to think about the possibilities increased age and increased freedom can bring. The reference to wearing purple comes from a poem called Warning by Jenny Joseph, whose most famous line is, “When I get old, I will wear purple.” (Joseph, 1974) It goes on to describe many non-conformist behaviors one can do (just in case we can’t think of them ourselves), when one has earned the permission of age to do them — such as sit on the sidewalk and rest if one is tired or eat three pounds of sausage at one time. It ends with the suggestion that one might start practicing a bit early so one’s friends are not too surprised at the change in behavior. Rather than having our behavior become more limited and conformist with age, Leder opens the idea that we can expand and grow into a freer way of being.

So, what regulates our behavior when we don’t have to do what others want? How do we find what’s right for us? How do we negotiate that path?

This is what personally guides me. It is my understanding that we all have an effect on each other. Our subtlest feelings and attitudes affect others, so whichever way we choose to actualize ourselves in this world, we need to walk through the world with care.

There are many ways to behave in the world.

The other day I was angry. I was on the way to a discussion group, thinking about what we could discuss, and I thought, I know, we’ll talk about anger. My body language showed my state of mind as I stalked along in my anger. Out of the blue, someone said “hi” to me. It was someone I didn’t know, and much younger. Immediately, I was brought out of my anger reverie and, poof, I was happy and connected with the world again. I barely had time to respond to this person with a return greeting, and he likely has no idea of the effect he had on me and my day. What regulates my behavior is compassion for myself and others as we go through each day. It is all the small joys of connection that we have with one another that I use as a guide to finding my way in the world.

There are many ways to behave in the world. Though often younger adults feel constrained, needing to ask other’s permission and to follow the unspoken norms of society, I think it is fun, as we age, to have a broader range of possibilities for behaving in this world, following our own inner guide to find our way. All of us are needed for all the small parts we play.

Maybe we are never truly free … until we allow ourselves to be.