9 Steps To Forgiveness: How to Get Unstuck

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By Nancy Gertz

Please forgive me. I know I’m not perfect and I make mistakes, and sometimes I behave in ways that make me shudder. Worse, I replay these moments over and over, like a needle stuck on an old 45, and I can’t get past the tiresome refrain. To find comfort, I describe my pain to a few friends, hoping that someone will say something that will lead to my absolution, some relief and a clear head.

“I replay these moments over and over, like a needle stuck on an old 45, and I can’t get past the tiresome refrain.”

On occasion this is helpful, but most of the time the only thing that works is going back to the person with whom I experienced the tangle, fess up to my imperfection (more shuddering), ask for forgiveness, and then determine what I can do to make things better. I do this because I value my well-being; I don’t want to fall victim to my own slew of negative emotions.

Sometimes the challenge is just too daunting, and I fail miserably in my forgiveness pursuit. A canyon seems to divide me from my wiser self; as if I’m in a fog, I can’t find the bridge that will bring me to a more generous place. I stand apart, far away from the relief I seek, reaching wildly yet in all the wrong directions.

The Stories We Tell Ourselves

This is when things really get tough: I begin using awardwinning creativity to construct a supportive story that convinces me that my feelings are justified … and I am moved even further from the bridge to better decision-making. I come to believe my indignant self-indulging story as the Truth, when it is actually a glorified narrative of blame-the-other and why-I’m-right. “She had no right to treat me that way. She said terrible things about me to people I care about, and she should be ashamed of herself!”

“It’s inside each of us, our incredible capacity to release our hearts and our minds.”

My story fools me, masquerading as a balm, while it handcuffs me to a host of destructive and painful emotions, like anger, hostility and contempt. This petty narrow narrative absolves me of responsibility and validates my slanted and small perspective, yet it is my Truth. Since there can be only one Truth, I am right and anything else is just plain wrong.

Sound familiar? Probably yes, because most of us are not very skilled in forgiveness, particularly when the hurt runs deep.

Research on character strengths in the field of Positive Psychology reveals that some people have more natural strength and capacity for forgiveness. There are those individuals we hold as heroes with legendary strengths in forgiveness, like Nelson Mandela, Martin Luther King and Mother Theresa. While these icons show us what is possible, forgiveness is not prevalent as a character strength among most people (compared to kindness, fairness, honesty, gratitude and others).

Our capacity to forgive, however, does increase as we age, and we can get better through intention and practice, and that’s all good because it can be beneficial to our health.

The Science of the Heart

Scientific evidence is clear that increasing forgiveness lowers blood pressure, which reduces the risk of heart disease and heart attacks. It strengthens the immune system, so people who forgive are less likely to get sick, and the reverse is also true that those who are slow to forgive are more likely to become ill.

“A canyon seems to divide me from my wiser self; as if I’m in a fog, I can’t find the bridge that will bring me to a more generous place. I stand apart, far away from the relief I seek, reaching wildly yet in all the wrong directions.”

The landmark forgiveness intervention study (Psychology and Health, 2009, volume 24, no. 1, pp. 11-27), showed a statistically significant improvement in cardiac functioning for male cardiac patients who received forgiveness therapy compared to control-group participants who received a cardiac-health approach. This study showed a cause-and-effect relationship between learning to forgive and experiencing a statistically significant improvement in one of the body’s most vital organs.

In other studies using functional MRI, researchers have identified positive changes in the brain related to forgiveness and compassion. The Cancer Treatment Centers of America provide Forgiveness Therapy to its patients to reduce chronic pain, improve relationships, and enhance immune function. From a mental health perspective, studies show that those who practice forgiveness score higher on nearly every psychological measure of well-being. With forgiveness, we are less depressed, more hopeful, less anxious, and we have fewer stress-related discomforts.

Dr. Fred Luskin, director and cofounder of the Stanford University Forgiveness Project, is a leading researcher, author and trainer in the burgeoning forgiveness field. His research has explored forgiveness in areas of war and conflict, terrorism, and gross human suffering. He has tested his methods in corporate, medical, legal and religious settings. Dr. Luskin’s nine-step forgiveness method makes it possible to move through the fog, over the bridge, and across the canyon to a life of improved health and contentment.

I recommend you start with a small emotional challenge, be patient with yourself, and try multiple times until you feel some relief. Join me?

Dr. Luskin’s 9 Steps to Forgiveness*

  1. Know exactly how you feel about what happened and be able to articulate what about the situation is not OK. Then, tell a trusted couple of people about your experience.
  2. Make a commitment to yourself to do what you have to do to feel better. Forgiveness is for you and not for anyone else.
  3. Forgiveness does not necessarily mean reconciliation with the person that hurt you, or condoning of their action. What you are after is to find peace. Forgiveness can be defined as the “peace and understanding that come from blaming that which has hurt you less, taking the life experience less personally, and changing your grievance story.”
  4. Get the right perspective on what is happening. Recognize that your primary distress is coming from the hurt feelings, thoughts and physical upset you are suffering now, not what offended you or hurt you two minutes — or 10 years — ago. Forgiveness helps to heal those hurt feelings.
  5. At the moment you feel upset, practice a simple stress management technique to soothe your body’s flight or fight response.
  6. Give up expecting things from other people, or your life, that they do not choose to give you. Recognize the “unenforceable rules” you have for your health or how you or other people must behave. Remind yourself that you can hope for health, love, peace and prosperity, and work hard to get them.
  7. Put your energy into looking for another way to get your positive goals met than through the experience that has hurt you. Instead of mentally replaying your hurt, seek out new ways to get what you want.
  8. Remember that a life well lived is your best revenge. Instead of focusing on your wounded feelings, and thereby giving the person who caused you pain power over you, learn to look for the love, beauty and kindness around you. Forgiveness is about personal power.
  9. Amend your grievance story to remind you of the heroic choice to forgive.

*Excerpted from www.learningtoforgive.com

Sources

Dr. Fred Luskin’s book, Forgive for Good, offers inspiring success stories, tools and techniques. You can find this book and others, video and audio resources, as well as scientific articles, online at www.learningtoforgive.com. For more information about character strengths, check out www.VIAcharacter.org (free strengths analysis on the site), http://www.strengthsfinder.com, and www.strengths2020.com.

About the Author

As a coach, instructor, speaker and columnist, Nancy possesses a natural ability to serve as a catalyst for transformational shifts in individuals and groups. She was an early pioneer and consultant in the development of disease prevention and health promotion programs for the federal government, insurance industry, and many corporations. In addition to maintaining a private coaching practice, Nancy is also Faculty at Harvard University Extension School where she teaches coaching psychology. She holds the distinction of Professional Certified Coach (PCC) of the International Coaching Federation. Nancy lives in Boston even though she never wants to see snow again.